At LEAST once a week I lose it...Really lose it. An example of a "lose it" moment:
We are on our way out the door (not late yet) and I have calmly stated, "Put your shoes on" 18,000 times as I gather my all my crap together. As as I'm FINALLY ready to walk out the door feet are bare. "Losing it" sounds something like this:
"WHY ARE YOUR SHOES NOT ON?! WHAT IS SOOO HARD ABOUT THAT?! IN THE LAST FIVE MINUTES I HAVE GOTTEN LUCY IN THE CARSEAT, MADE A BOTTLE, PACKED A DIAPER BAG, MADE US ALL WATERS, because you asked me to and I was being NICE, PUT MY SHOES ON AND ALL YOU HAD TO DO, which I told you 18,000 times, was PUT YOUR SHOES ON! PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOOOWWW! and thanks to YOU, now we are late. UHHH!"
This rant ends with me slamming the door to the garage, loading up my crap and starting the car. My little ducklings stop whatever non-shoe-putting-on activity that they were doing (probably something messy that I will be cleaning up later) and they are all business getting in the car. We ride in silence.
I seethe in silence for the next five minutes. My jaw hurts from where I have it clenched. Although in the moment I felt 100% justified..."I just wasn't being HEARD!", about 5 minutes later the Holy Spirit shows up and I feel really crummy. I beat myself up and think about how childish it was for me to throw a tantrum and wonder why I can't "Choose to Love" in every moment of our day. And my two little ducklings are very quiet and very obedient and it is eerie and weird and it makes me feel even worse.
Just like when JB and I fuss, I know I'll feel crummy until we patch things up, so that's when I put on my mommy-panties and apologize.
"Listen you two, I'm sorry that I yelled. I love you both SO much, but I just get SO frustrated when I ask y'all to do something and no one listens to me. Mommy works hard to get us where we need to be and I need y'all to help me by being good listeners. Would you feel angry if you wanted me to listen to you and I wouldn't? (They nod.) I lost my temper and the way I yelled was not loving at ALL. Will you forgive me?"
And, just like our loving Father, they do. They always do. And when that thick cloud that was hanging over us all lifts, I'm so thankful and glad that I asked. Mommy is NOT perfect, but she always loves her babies.